I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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