I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
