So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
