i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
