i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
