someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
