You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
