If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
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