meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
