It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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