its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
