So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Randomize
