I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
