I wish my penis had an off switch
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
