wat bout pragnant strippers??
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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