I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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