I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
