my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Randomize
