Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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