Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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