if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
