I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
