From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
