i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I believe in your delicious
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
You left your phone here
Wait...
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