we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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