I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Randomize
