I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
