That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
