this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
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