I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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