She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
