Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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