You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I am one with the molecules
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
