We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
