So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
