I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
