I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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