a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
