Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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