you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
