we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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