Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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