I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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