Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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