His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
