I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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