she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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