3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
