woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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