The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
