Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
