what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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