It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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